So once again I've been thinking (scary when that happens, I know). I've been thinking about family size and I just cannot get rid of this not-complete feeling. I am almost positive (as positive as you can get on these matters) God's plan for this family involves more than the 5 people currently living in our house. I'm ok with that in every way except for the fact that I do not want to be pregnant right now. One of my blogger friends who had a baby right before Kylee just announced she is pregnant and I think that may be freaking out a little over that. I know that even with ecological breastfeeding, the cut off for free birth control is 6 months and I should be charting if I want to prevent, but I am not and now I'm thinking maybe I should be.

BUT then I get into feeling guilty about preventing a new life (I know only about 4 of my friends will get this but I'll put it out there anyways and if you don't get it please don't comment on it). The reason I feel guilty is very complex, but I am just not ready to give up Kylee as my baby. She is my sweetheart and I don't want to share her with another baby! We have the most precious relationship. There's the fact that she is simply Kylee (see previous posts on the topic) but its also because she is the first baby I have been able to stay home with full time and I can tell you 100% for sure that it has deepened that relationship. So my own feelings make me want to prevent having another baby even though I don't feel that good about it (although I would NEVER regret it) and I'm thinking I need to work on this a little bit. I am also realizing how wild and crazy my whole pregnancy with Kylee was (emotionally) and wondering about voluntarily putting myself through that again. The payoff would be worth it, but my fear is speaking very loudly!

The reality is that I probably have time. I've never gotten a period back before 11 months...and never been regular until around 14. I have gotten pregnant immediately at that point, however, so we're not talking about a lot of time. In fact 3 or 4 of the people I know who had babies around the time Kenna was born (and use NFP or refrain from birthcontrol and mother through breastfeeding) are pregnant again now and nearing the end of their first trimester. So yeah... do that math and that means that I will likely be pregnant within the year if I do nothing. Which is what I want to do, but I am afraid of the results.

So now that I've laid out all this background information (and my appologies for the background information that kind of took over) I have to share with you the CRAZY dream I had last night. Speaking of two of my friends who will actually understand the why beyond some of this post, I had a dream that I went to a playdate with 2 friends (Meredith and Lisa so you know who you are when you read this) and we had over 20 children between the 3 of us! The oldest kids were around 10ish. It was wild and crazy and chaotic (but fun at the same time if you know what I mean). Actually the kids did such a great job playing with each other we all actually got to sit and chat as moms which is kind of unfathomable actually). We are at 10 between the 3 of us as of today (including pregnancies).....

Kinda makes me go hmmmm..........

(and reading this post makes me wonder about myself and my crazy spaghetti brain)


elsies7gifts said...

I completely get it. It is such a personal decision and sometimes takes a lot of prayer and reflection. I hope you can come to a peaceful decision for yourself.

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