A grief post I probably shouldn't post...

First of all I am fully aware that I probably shouldn't post this. Second of all, I am posting it anyways because if I write it and don't post it then I think that would just be the equivalent of stuffing it and stuffing is always a bad idea.

Feel free to look away and not read, I really am ok with that. This is a personal post that has nothing to do with Montessori or Gluten Free Living.

As all of you know (and I'm sure it is all of you, because day after day Kenna's story has more hits than any other pages on my site), our first daughter was stillborn in 2007. If you have read many of my grief related posts since then you know that many of my friends have spunky little two year olds who were born within a few months (and in one case a few days) of Kenna. I love those kids. They make my heart smile in a good way. A bittersweet happy sad. They remind me what I am missing, but they help me remember at the same time. I see their little milestones and toddler antics and think about what Kenna could be doing those things now if she had lived.

It has been long enough since she died, and I am removed enough in my grief that most of the time that is a good thing. It is good to be reminded.

In the last three weeks three of those lovely mother's of two years olds have given birth (and here is why I should not post this, because they are all dear friends and read this blog). Three absolutely beautiful (BIG) baby boys that have come onto this Earth. Happy and whole and wonderful creations of God. I look at them and I want to cry in all the glory that they are and the miracles that they represent. Their parents are so blessed!

I have loved snuggling those little boys (well 2/3...one is that new).

And then my emotions get all jumbled up.

Because just over 2 years ago, I gave birth too. Only my body isn't ready to do it all again, soon I think...but not yet. I know I just gave birth a year ago, but in some ways it doesn't feel like that. In some ways it feels like I found out I was pregnant in January of 2007 and the second (Kenna) and third (Kylee) times I found out I was pregnant kind of just got all jumbled together. Into one uber-long pregnancy in my brain and body. It feels like far longer than it has been. I feel like I missed out on the chance to be pregnant with my friends again, with a better outcome this time.

This probably is probably going to make absolutely no sense, so bless you if you are still with me here!

I have been telling myself for 3 weeks now that this is my opportunity to serve my friends. Two years ago they had a baby and I didn't, and they were the ones taking care of me. Fast forward and again they have babies and I don't. It is my opportunity to be a blessing to them, as they have been to me over the past two years on this crazy journey we've been on.

Yet, I can't seem to put one foot in front of the other and actually do it. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed in realizing how much they did for me that I feel there is no way I could possibly come close to repaying them! I fear how short all of my efforts will fall.

It is time for me to get over myself (for lack of a better word), but I am finding that so much harder than I think it should be. What am I afraid of leaving behind?

Certainly not Kenna, my friends have made it abundantly clear to me that they have not forgotten and do not expect me to either.

It's time to move on, ,only I am learning that has an entirely different meaning than what I thought it did.

7 comments :

*Mirage* said...

I wish I knew what to say to you, but I don't. I'm so sorry. **HUGS**

Meredith said...

And I have far fewer words, yet. Heidi, thanks for sharing this (and in some ways, I feel like I should apologize for reading it). I can tell of your emotions as I've gone through this birth thing again, and as I read this, I understand anew, though I can't understand completely. Understand? Me neither.

You are beloved to me; more every day. And your dear Kenna is so often on my mind and heart, especially in these last few days.

(((Hugs))) and tears...

My Boys' Teacher said...

Heidi,

Don't apologize. Your readers are as willing to share your grief with you as they are the other moments of your life you share. I hope that in the future, when you are ready, we will also be able to join with you in your joy.

Lisa said...

We all love you Heidi! Hang in there - maybe you can't repay them in the same way as they helped you, but you'll do it in your own special way and time. That's what is important. And, I'm sure they all know that too. Big hug from me!

Kylie said...

Heidi, I don't think they would expect to repayed in any way (even though I know you know that). Doing for them whatever you can will still mean so much to them.

Amanda said...

(((HUGS))) my friend and I too think it important to share these feelings rather than bottle them up. It doesnt get easier.. and you dont need to get over yourself. You will always miss your baby girl! And ones the same age are a reminder good or bad at times of what we dont have. Take care of yourself... LOVERS

Cheryl @ On the Old Path said...

Hi Heidi I thank you for sharing and I think you should never worry about sharing your heart. If anything it only causes more understanding, love and prayers. I think as others have said not to worry about repaying, I have only known you for a short time through the blog world and already can see you have a kind and giving heart, and I am sure that your 'real world friends' can see and feel that too!!!