Quiet

In case you didn't notice, I left the same post up on my blog for an entire week.  I never do that!

I have a dilemma though, and you might be able to help me with it.  I was quite nervous to post about our new adventures in school for Caleb since I had already had some negativity from another online venue and from some real-life school professionals at a school we chose not to enroll him in.   You my darling blog readers, however, were nothing short of stellarly supportive. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

(Spellcheck says stellarly isn't a word, but I don't care I am using it anyways!)


Here is my problem.  I don't know what to blog about.  It is really an extension of still working out how I feel about having one of my babies gone all day away from me.

Every time I look around my peacefully working kids, I feel sick at the fact we are all enjoying our time together and Caleb is not there.  I know he is enjoying his time in school and thriving while he is there according to his teacher.  Although he is still explosive and terrifyingly emotional at times at home, things have improved.   We saw our pediatrician last week and she couldn't believe the differences in Caleb.  She completely supported a wait and see approach instead of continuing to pursue a diagnosis.  She feels as strongly as ever that he likely qualifies for one, but as he is improving instead of declining like he was, says there is no need to rush a label.  It is better.

But I don't like it.

I don't like that something so clearly in his best interests is not with me.  Every time I enjoy a moment photographing Logan drinking from his new glass or Kylee folding washcloths, it is followed by a sucker punch to my gut over the fact that Caleb isn't there.  We take a field trip to the fabric store and someone is missing.  One opinion on which fabric would be best for a new-baby gift is unheard.

As a teacher I would have been first in line to tell you every educational method does not work for every child.  I have fought tooth and nail against administrations and systems that wanted to lump a child who was different with a label.  I have probably told a thousand people who questioned us, that I did not believe homeschooling was for everyone but it was the right choice for our family.  I respected their right to make their own best choice too.

And now I bite the bullet.

And put (lots of) my money where my mouth is.

I can already see how far and wide the impact of this decision will be.  One year of kids in two different places is one thing, but can I continue this way indefinitely?  Should Aidan go to school next year too?  Should I switch to a more directed method such as K12 or another virtual academy to provide the structure Caleb needs at home so that we can stay together?  If the boys are both in school, what will happen to Kylee and Logan?

I have time, I know, but these are not easy questions and they do not have easy answers.  Before beginning the search for a school environment for Caleb, Tim and I prayed together that Holy Spirit would open the doors that would lead to the right path and close any doors that would not be right for Caleb.  I am confident those prayers were answered it a big way.

My prayer now is that we continue to be guided as we tackle this new direction.  People have continually told me that they enjoy my blog because it is real.  I take that deeply to heart because that is what I want it to be.  A true and honest representation of our lives- if you ran into us at the park you would have no surprises.  We could chat like old friends.

The real of my life right now is that it is uncertain.  I am uncertain.  While I can't blog much about Caleb's school environment for his own safety and the privacy of his school mates, I will continue to blog about our little homeschool.  I will continue to talk about Montessori and Charlotte Mason, about Godly Play and our family adventures.

It might just look a little different for bit while we all adjust to this new normal.

5 comments :

lilpeasinmypodfromgod said...

Wow, Heidi I so feel you. I have 2 in school, my oldest Kayla and then Wyatt next oldest, is homeschooling, then Everett my next in line is also in school this year and then Tanner 1st grade is home along with all the littles. Its empty, sad, weird and difficult to digest and send them into the world, but still be home missing them while I homeschool the ones who need it. I don't know what our plans for next year are yet either, but I know that Kayla and Everett are thriving and LOVING school and the social aspects. I guess in time they all enter the big ol world and mine that are now at school were truly ready so I feel I did a good job and now I take on a new role guiding them from the background into the unknowns of life!

Evenspor said...

I can only imagine how difficult that is. Good luck to you and your family with everything.

Heather said...

Sounds like you are going through a grieving period, which is totally understandable! This something new for you and your family. I am sure in time you will get used to the new normal. try not to "worry about tomorrow" but continue in prayer, and God will guide you in each step.

lilpeasinmypodfromgod said...

Heidi, I ended up going in yesterday and the school did some major tweaking in my favor and now I am comfortable leaving Wyatt and Tanner too. Its so good for my little ones to have mommy to themselves all day. I felt so bad trying to homeschool, cook, clean and have time to play and cuddle and read to the little ones. I am in a happy place and I hope you come to find school as a good thing also. HUGS

Heidi said...

Janis that's great you were able to work something out for the other two boys! I've been meaning to email you for awhile now and pick your brain. One of these days I will remember to do it! We are trying to prep Aidan now so that next year he could go into school with Caleb. He's all over the map grade level wise in different subjects though so it is going to take some work!