It is hot in Utah.
Actually from what I hear, it is much less hot here than it is many other places in the country, so I'm not going to complain.
This pregnant lady, however, does not like hot. I really don't do hot. I was grouchy and crabby all day and I kept insisting that things were fine.
Yeah, then I went downstairs into the cooler air and suddenly I felt much better. Oops. Maybe I should have come down here sooner.
So now I am sitting in the dark basement watching the National Mall 4th of July festivities.
Just like I did exactly 5 years ago.
Tim was away attending his Montessori training and I was pregnant, alone with the boys, and it was hot. I put Caleb to bed at his normal time (just like I did tonight, ironically) and then curled up on the couch with Aidan to watch fireworks on TV (which I invited him to do tonight, but he's too cool for that now).
Aidan and I laid on the couch with his head on my tummy and suddenly Kenna kicked him.
Really hard, again and again, every time that he laid his head back down...for a good 10-15 minutes.
We were both laughing so hard by the end, I'm pretty sure Aidan may have fallen off of the couch more than once.
It is one of the only times I remember any of the kids feeling their younger brothers and sisters before they were born. Somehow my kids weren't born with a patient gene... I wonder if I would even remember this if things had ended differently? I wonder if Aidan would? (He does!)
Sometimes people discreetly (or not) imply that I wouldn't want to (or shouldn't) remember Kenna in the way we do, or include her as a part of our family. Why would we celebrate her birthday each year when it is filled with as much heartache as joy? Why do we display her pictures and things next to those of our living children?
But see, it isn't just about the sadness that came (and still comes) with the anniversary of her birth and death. It isn't only about the all consuming anxiety that will fill my whole body from head to toe if I am still pregnant come August 29th, 2012... my oldest daughter's 5th birthday in heaven.
There is joy there too. There are happy memories hidden among the sad ones. Kenna's life was painfully too short and we are lacking in milestones and mementos, but there is much more to it than that.