The Angels Came Down

Like probably every other post I've written that has had any significant number of hits or comments or favorable "stats" I have gone back and forth about writing this post.  Yet after a week of stewing about it, I have accepted that my blog would not be MY blog if I don't include this story.

Early on in our marriage, Tim and I had several pregnancy losses.  We lost two babies to miscarriage at 6 & 8 weeks and then another, our sweet Kenna, was stillborn at 30 weeks in 2007.  In the first 5 years of our marriage we were pregnant 5 times, with only 2 little boys keeping us busy (although keep us busy they did and still do).

During that time, we discovered the beauty of Natural Family Planning (NFP) and felt convicted that God definitely called us to be open to life and to consider His plan for our family as the only one we wanted.  Some of the changes that came with this life altering decision were fairly immediate.  There was improvement in our married life and also in me as a woman.  The truth is I felt BETTER without all those extra hormones floating around.  Most people don't believe this, or say it is a coincidence, but I am here to tell you that I don't buy it.   The anti birth control campaign slogan of "No hormones in your milk but hormones in your birth control" is not as cliche as I always thought it sounded.

The years that followed our small conversion to a life of being open to God's plan for our family were by no means easy ones.  In addition to Kenna's death, we also faced job loss, severe financial difficulties, a move across the state, a devastating house fire, and finally a move across the country (after more financial/job problems).  Through all of these things, we have learned to accept that sometimes good can come of the most trying times.  In fact it almost always does if you think to look for it!  Through all of these times, we have been blessed with incredible friends and family who have supported times literally feeding and clothing us when our own basic needs were in question.

We have also been blessed with 7 loss free years and three beautiful reminders that God (specifically God's will for our lives) is bigger than any suffering that we may face for a season.  Three babies in just over 4 years with no pregnancy losses- reminders that God is indeed good.  Our newfound trust in God's plan for our lives eventually led us into the Catholic Church, which has been a blessing beyond belief for all of us as we continue on our journey of growth.

This winter we were again blessed with a new life.  I found out I was pregnant on Valentine's Day, which was a pretty fun day to find out that one is expecting!  What was even more fun was a close friend learning the same weekend that she too was expecting.  A few weeks later, another friend announced her pregnancy (although she was actually a bit farther along).

When 8 weeks came and went (my latest m/c) I began to feel confident that it was safe to announce the pregnancy and we started to do just that.  I even started to think of creative ways to announce here on my blog.  Before we had even finished sharing the news with all of our family and friends, however, I started spotting.

I miscarried on April 1 (haha, funny...right?) after almost 11 weeks of pregnancy.

(This is my hesitancy in sharing this post....some people who are close friends and family will be finding out about both the pregnancy and the loss at the same time.  I apologize.)

Be this a one time thing, or the start of a season of loss or hardship, I am working hard on accepting that this too is part of God's will for our life.  His plan is greater than ours and He knows our needs before we do.  I may never understand the exact reasoning, but I trust that it is there regardless.   Our kids knew that they had a new brother or sister in Mommy's tummy and telling them was one of the hardest parts of the last few weeks.

While I expected tears from a certain sensitive five year old, her words surprised me with her wisdom and understanding of exactly what this post is all about....trusting in God's plan no matter the circumstances.

"Mommy the angels came straight down from Heaven and carried our baby to God.... maybe they will bring us a new one soon."

She skipped away cheerfully.  To her this is all good news.   Not just the hope and promise of an abundant life in the future, but the hope and promise of Heaven that is a part of our every day life.

What better place to be born into?

I obviously haven't been doing much blogging the past couple weeks.  I have been distracting myself with painting my house, working on my Master's degree, and just general healing- physically and emotionally.  It helps that the weather has been much nicer and I can spend time in the fresh air every day.   There is even thought of planting soon.  Our friends are again taking care of us, offering me a sounding board when I need it and generally just checking in.

While I don't think that facing the loss of a child ever gets easier, I think there are parts of it that one does get "better" at.  I knew what to expect physically and emotionally which makes accepting those things when they come just a little bit easier.  (Note that actually experiencing them isn't easier, but accepting the process is easier.)  In the past 12 years, I have learned a lot about trusting God and the hope that comes with that trust provides comfort beyond imagine.   We have leaned greatly on the promises of Easter, as we journey through the last dark days of Lent.

I also admit that while accepting God's will for our lives, I too hope and pray that Kylee is right and that God will indeed send us another new life soon.


Meredith said...

As always, your words about such matters of the heart are so tender and full, Heidi. You and Tim have been through so much in your marriage, and when I see you together, I am always inspired to see what closeness and love you share. Your marriage is strengthened by your trials, and you wade through them with grace because of your faith and your commitment to one another. You are always in my prayers, especially now as you walk through this loss. I'm so sorry.

Rachel said...

I am so sorry Heidi! I will be praying for peace and for physical healing for you. I know how hard this is.

Brenda G said...

I am so sorry! Wishing I was near for a real hug. Kids just have a way of seeing life differently and I'm really sure Kylee is right. It doesn't make the hurt any less, I'm sure, but hang in there, sweet friend. <3

Angela said...

(I'm a friend of Meredith's) I'm so sorry for your loss! Praying for you, and your family. I just blogged about my own experience here, in case you're interested.