The End of...Well Something

Today marks the end of Tim's paternity leave.  Tomorrow he will go to work for the first time since the day after we were discharged from the NICU.   8 whole weeks with his almost uninterrupted help and support.  He's cooked and cleaned and wrangled big kids and let me take breaks whenever I needed.  Being my absolute rock in moments of struggle.

Tomorrow is the end of all of that.  Well, I mean Tim will still be my amazing supportive rock...he'll just have to do it in those rare moments when the children are sleeping before we collapse into bed exhausted.

But really tomorrow feels bigger than that.  Somehow tangibly ending something much longer than 8 weeks.

Tomorrow feels like the day that for better or worse I am in charge again.

Well as in charge as any one person ever can be.

Since September 11, 2014 I have largely let our circumstances drive the boat.  People comment how well I seem to be doing, and I tell you it is because I have been extraordinarily gentle with myself.  Letting other people cook, clean, and care for our crew while I battled the emotional rollercoaster that we have been on since that day.

In between adverse prenatal diagnosis, surgery, death, funeral, grief, more diagnosis of problems, pregnancy, hormone injections, high risk pregnancy, surgery again, the NICU, Siena's birthday, and more I have just let everything else be what it would be.   Grief just saps the energy right out of a person and in all of these things I had hormones on top of that and others kept saying, your job is the baby.

The baby.

First Siena, then Tomas.

Now it is time for me to step up again and be the wife, mother, and woman that I know inside that I am.  To return, albeit changed, to my place in this family.

Maybe that sounds silly.  I'm sure from the outside looking in, it seems as though I have been there all along.

Maybe I'm making more of this than I should, but somehow I don't think so.

Somehow I feel like today and tomorrow mark a greater transition.  Not just the end of a chapter, but the closing of a book.

I know there is a sequel, I just can't pick it up at the library and check it out.

Because it hasn't been written.

There isn't even a release date when I know I will be able to read what happens next.

I hope that I'm ready.

Sometimes I can't wait and other times I am outright terrified.

Terrified that I'm not ready.  That I won't be able to handle what my life has become in the time I have been absent.

Sort of absent at least.

With my writing at Peanut Butter & Grace, homeschooling, new baby, and more I may be hit or miss in this space for a time.  I don't intend to take an "official" break from blogging here but it may come in fits and starts.  I promise I'm not going away though so hang in there.

There is a sequel waiting to be written.


Angie said...

Well then, have a great day Heidi. Know of my continued prayers. All families need prayers especially at these times of big and little transitions. Transition is hard. Being wife, mom, teacher and all is hard too sometimes. Our Lord didn't make living our vocation easy but it is our path to holiness and the way we are Jesus to our loves in our lives!

Monica Utsey said...

I am also the mother of a preemie (now 9 years old). I remember how terrified I was when my husband's paternity leave ended. I begged for one more week to prepare mentally and it really helped. Blessings to your family.

Unknown said...

Claudia D here....
I just saw this entry and it's Monday night. I hope the new day went well. Easy to say, perhaps hard to do,
Take small steps. love and your capable self will shine through.

Meghan said...

Hope you had a great first day back at it. Be patient with yourself. Just do the next thing, don't be overwhelmed by the scores of stuff that need your attention. Love those kids the way only you know how and remember that they are adjusting too. You got this!!!!