Today marks the end of Tim's paternity leave. Tomorrow he will go to work for the first time since the day after we were discharged from the NICU. 8 whole weeks with his almost uninterrupted help and support. He's cooked and cleaned and wrangled big kids and let me take breaks whenever I needed. Being my absolute rock in moments of struggle.
Tomorrow is the end of all of that. Well, I mean Tim will still be my amazing supportive rock...he'll just have to do it in those rare moments when the children are sleeping before we collapse into bed exhausted.
But really tomorrow feels bigger than that. Somehow tangibly ending something much longer than 8 weeks.
Tomorrow feels like the day that for better or worse I am in charge again.
Well as in charge as any one person ever can be.
Since September 11, 2014 I have largely let our circumstances drive the boat. People comment how well I seem to be doing, and I tell you it is because I have been extraordinarily gentle with myself. Letting other people cook, clean, and care for our crew while I battled the emotional rollercoaster that we have been on since that day.
In between adverse prenatal diagnosis, surgery, death, funeral, grief, more diagnosis of problems, pregnancy, hormone injections, high risk pregnancy, surgery again, the NICU, Siena's birthday, and more I have just let everything else be what it would be. Grief just saps the energy right out of a person and in all of these things I had hormones on top of that and others kept saying, your job is the baby.
First Siena, then Tomas.
Now it is time for me to step up again and be the wife, mother, and woman that I know inside that I am. To return, albeit changed, to my place in this family.
Maybe that sounds silly. I'm sure from the outside looking in, it seems as though I have been there all along.
Maybe I'm making more of this than I should, but somehow I don't think so.
Somehow I feel like today and tomorrow mark a greater transition. Not just the end of a chapter, but the closing of a book.
I know there is a sequel, I just can't pick it up at the library and check it out.
Because it hasn't been written.
There isn't even a release date when I know I will be able to read what happens next.
I hope that I'm ready.
Sometimes I can't wait and other times I am outright terrified.
Terrified that I'm not ready. That I won't be able to handle what my life has become in the time I have been absent.
Sort of absent at least.
With my writing at Peanut Butter & Grace, homeschooling, new baby, and more I may be hit or miss in this space for a time. I don't intend to take an "official" break from blogging here but it may come in fits and starts. I promise I'm not going away though so hang in there.
There is a sequel waiting to be written.