The Unpublished Posts

Over the years, I have amassed a collection of posts in draft mode that I never published.  Almost all of these posts are about grief and infant loss and many are darker than I would like to admit.

They have actual titles like:

Life Stops

No Replacements

The Me I Used To Be

What Would Be Different?

When Your Parenting Story is Unlike Any of Your Friends

This last one is about how hard it is not to resent my friends who have not experienced the vast amount of loss that we have.  Actually, most of my closest friends haven't experienced any of the kind of loss we have, except as they have experienced it through us.  It isn't a nice post and I have a hard time admitting it even exists.

Some of these posts were written in the last 18 months and others at any point over the last almost 9 years.  Some of them, the title is as far as I ever made it in writing.

What are all these posts to me now and what do I do with them?

They are a part of my story and a part of my girls' story but they are an unfinished part in many ways.  They represent pieces of life, death, and grief that I haven't quite come to terms with.  They represent the very struggles of my soul on a daily basis.  They are pleading prayers to find peace with sometimes dark places inside of me.

My child died.

Dead.  Died.  Gone.

Two of them.

Well actually five....

I'm not sure anymore what I'm supposed to say to that whole number question.

I'm sure these thoughts and feelings will not ever go away completely but how do I find peace with them?  What do I do with them when they come?  I have promised to be real with my readers about the journey that is grief following the loss of a child, but these particular thoughts seem out of place even in the spirit of honesty.  Aidan calls things like this "just because they are true doesn't mean its good to share" facts.

For now, I leave them in the in-between.  I put those thoughts to paper, but I leave the posts unfinished.  The drafts unpublished.

The story incomplete.

1 comment :

jen said...

I have some empathy regarding the tone of that last draft. My son was an emergency c-section at 29.5 weeks due to me developing HELLP Syndrome and I'm in a position where my son's birth predisposes me to a bunch of pregnancy complications the next time around. My son and I almost died and parenting him has been incredibly complex because of the autism (caused by a microdeletion on a couple genes), the developmental delays, and the ADHD. It was so hard to see all of my friends having these nice, normal pregnancies when mine was a science experiment gone awry and I will admit that I had a lot of "why me" feelings for the first couple years. Even now, I have to hide posts from parents on Facebook who go off on how advanced their kids are and what amazing milestones they hit early because my son has a 50% delay and we're not seeing a lot of those milestones.

I mention this in a (probably too long) comment because I think it helps sometimes to know that you're not the only one dealing with feelings like that. Someone asked the people in the HELLP Syndrome Survivors group if they were the only ones with these feelings and probably 90% of us said that we deal with them too. It isn't fair that you've been handed so much loss while others haven't... but I think that we aren't going to know the answers in this life as to why things happen the way they do. I'm looking forward "to know fully, even as I am fully known" (1 Corinthians 13:12b) someday.

*hugs* Thank you so much for blogging out what you are going through. I can tell you that there are mamas out there who might feel less isolated and alone because they know that you've gone through and are making it out on the other side.